My Best Friend's Wedding

Not the movie by Julia Roberts. Indeed, my best friend (whom I know for 13 years) just got married last week.

 Audrey and Teck Guan on the lunch reception.

When Audrey made the announcement the first thing that crossed my mind was, so Audrey's the first one among us. It didn't occurred to me as a surprise or anything shocking. That was when I realized how grown up we are.

This was not the first time I attended a wedding of someone my age or younger. But attending as the bridesmaid and her best friend was totally a different feeling. Driving down the roads in Seremban was another nostalgic experience. And meeting Mr. Foo, our Form 6 class teacher was another bonus.

 

 If growing up means not having the rights to do anything childish, we did it anyway.

 

 At the lunch reception.

 From left: ShinYin, Xiang, ST, me, Boonlee, Ze, Snowfly.

I wondered who would be the next among us. And how old will we be by then. I don't know about the others but the very thought of getting married (and having kids) seem like a strange idea to me.

 Most of us brought boyfriends.

 The Georgians in the everlasting Murali pose.

 Mr. Foo and the Georgians.

 The bridesmaid at the church wedding.

  MUAKSSSSS!

Walking down the aisle in a church was my idea of a romantic wedding which I had always dreamed of. But when I did attended one, I thought it was more spiritual than romantic. I'm not a christian so I will never have a chance of having a church wedding of my own. I guess walking the aisle as a bridesmaid, in a way, fulfilled my childhood dream. Well, another strike-through on my list of things-to-do-before-I-die. ;)

 No, I wasn't sad.

 The bride and us.

We spent a night at ShinYin's after the church wedding ceremony on Saturday (the lunch reception was on Sunday). There were 4 of us staying over - Wee Tze Yee and Kin Chew (her boyfriend), SukTeng and me. During our stay, ShinYin's mom apologized that she didn't have time to take us out to lunch and all. I told her, it's alright, we'll make ourselves at home. And I realized that I meant it. It didn't feel like I was staying at a friend's house - it felt like I was staying at home. We felt comfortable even when ShinYin's brother came to our room to take his stuff when we were lazing in bed. That is how close ShinYin and I are. :)

Preparing the door gifts for lunch reception on the next day.

The door gifts, ready and packed in boxes.

I must admit the door gifts were really creative. And oh, I tied the ribbons on all the wedding dresses.

Label Me

Life is always full of choices. But at times your choices are limited. I'm sure you often come across a situation where you are forced to take on a task which you don't feel like it at all. At this point it all comes down to choices.

One, you reject the responsibility and push it to somebody else with the most relevant excuse you can think of (which is always the lamest excuse one can possibly find). The consequences, you will be labeled as "lazy", "anti-social", "arrogant" etc.

Two, you take on the task anyway and decide to make it as simple as possible to minimize your work so that you can concentrate on more important things.

If you don't mess it up, all will be fine. People whom you service get what they want and if some things are not good enough or they're not satisfied with it, they give you "advices" and "suggestions" (read, complaints) to make it better next time. Some (a very small percentage) who appreciate your effort send you a thank you email.

If you somehow mess it up, hell you will be blamed like never before - it will be your whole damn fault. Even a mere two hours delay - because you need to settle some more important things first - will get you labeled as "irresponsible" and "not doing her job". Even if you say OK you're going to do this right now and you just need say, 5 minutes to prepare whatever you need and you're going to start right after 5 minutes. NO! The damage is done, what's labeled is labeled. It's like virginity - once you lose it, it's gone forever.

Whatever you do or don't do, when your name appears in the candidate list for this meaningful, important task, it's going to be a very eventful time of your life. Like I said it all comes down to choices. Do you choose "lazy", "anti-social" and "arrogant" or do you prefer receiving "advices" and "suggestions"?  If these two are still not good enough, you still have "irresponsible" and "not doing her job". It's your call ;)

I want to be in love =)

我们都是单翅膀的天使，只有拥抱才能飞翔
(We are all angels with a single wing, the only way we can fly is to hold on to each other)
~ Quoted from a song by Gary Chaw ~

I always feel incredibly bad - or rather, guilty - when single people tell me about how they long to be in a relationship, how they long to find the one. And they'd ask me how I met Mr. Chin, how did it started, what romantic things he did to me etc. I'd feel so reluctant to tell them and I'd try so hard to camouflage my happiness. I feel as if I don't deserve him.

They end by saying, "Oh how nice to have a boyfriend/girlfriend. You must be so happy." or "If I have a boyfriend/girlfriend now I wouldn't stay at home chatting on MSN." or "I wonder when will I find mine." I will then tell them to leave it to fate and love will eventually find them, while hoping what I said is true. And I feel more and more guilty simply for being in a relationship.

Some would ask me for tips to get a girl. I always help as far as I could - providing advices, introducing girls to them. Some broke my heart by being hopelessly conservative i.e. desperately wanting to get married for the sake of having children. Some disappointed me by changing their mind every 5 minutes. To date I have not successfully match make any couples.

Sometimes I have to tell them the painful truth - you don't have a sense of humour, you should lose some weight, you are not sensitive enough. Much that I hate to admit, the world is a cruel place. The first impression i.e. the look, is one major thing when it comes to opposite sex attraction.

Being 27 years old this year, the pressure is starting to build up. However desperate we are, it can't really be helped. The one who want me isn't the one I want, the one whom I want doesn't want me. Love is as complicated as it can be. It hurts me when listening to stories like this. I laugh and scold with my girlfriends when they tell me about jerks they met, those who broke their heart, those assholes and losers.

My mom always say you will never know who is your till-death-do-us-part until you're dying on your deathbed. I think it's very true. I sincerely hope all my friends will find their very own happily ever after.

P.S. Recently a friend was happily attached. Congratulations to him and his sweet girlfriend. :)

Condolences

Offering my deepest condolences to a friend of mine who just lost his dad in a car accident. Hope that he and his family are well. And hope that he'd regain his strength soon. And may his dad rest in peace.

The Worst Christmas

I've had, by far, the worst Christmas this year.

On Christmas Eve everything was still fine. I was not hungry in the morning so I skipped breakfast. Then I happily went shopping with my sister. Bought a pair of pants and a nice top. I was still not hungry in the afternoon but I managed to force half a bowl of rice down my stomach. And at night I had dinner, the usual amount of rice and dishes. I was looking forward to the Christmas dinner I was planning to have with my coursemates back in university. I even picked out what to wear.

At night before I went to sleep I could feel something was not right with my stomach. I thought it'd be back to normal the next morning, but it didn't. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling the urge to vomit. So I did. I vomited three times before I went to see the doctor in a 24 hour clinic near my house. He gave me some anti-vomit tablets and medicine for gastric. But those didn't help because before the tablets could be digested in my system I'd already vomit them out. So when I went to see the doctor again, he gave me an injection to stop my vomit. At 5 a.m. I finally managed to get some sleep. Well that's not the worst still.

The next day I woke up at 2 p.m. and the first news that greeted me was, my friends wanted to cancel the Christmas dinner. Reason being that they didn't want to have Italian food. They were suggesting that we go for Balinese food instead. I didn't mind that they want to change place but why last minute? I was the one to organize and call them one-by-one to confirm and then book a table in the restaurant. It's not hard work and neither is it time-consuming but still they could have informed me earlier, couldn't they? So I told them don't expect that I'd organize anything for them again and to go ahead with their plans and then I'd think whether I would attend. Then I spent my whole day feeling discomfort from my gastric pain.

I later found out that they indeed went to have Balinese food, without inviting Zilin and me. I don't know if Zilin had told them off knowing that I wouldn't be able to attend. But it still broke my heart.

The next day I was supposed to go to Seremban and meet up with my high school friends but I couldn't make it as I was still feeling uncomfortable.

So there goes my long weekend.

Christmas present = 0

Christmas gathering = 0

Christmas joy = N/A

In Between

I hate it when I'm stucked in between, when I have to be the middle person. Unfortunately, for some mysteriously unknown reasons, I have always play that role my whole life. I was in between my Mom and Dad, between my brother and brother-in-law, between my Mom and sisters etc etc. The reasons that I can NEVER be a successful middle person are that:

1. I do not like to lie.
2. I am not a "two-headed snake" who says different things in front of different person.
3. I cannot take the pressure.
4. I cannot take the blame.

One of the main responsibility of a middle person is to pass messages. And believe me, those messages are nasty. I'd be forced to say means things to people whom I care about. It's difficult.

I was in a similar situation recently. I didn't protest. I guess I was too tired. When I heard the debate from both parties, seemed to me both had their points. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know which side to choose. I always have trouble deciding when it comes to this. When I couldn't take it any longer, I talked to a friend on the phone. I felt both better and worse after that. Better because he was there to share my suffering; worse because of his disapproval. He asked me not to think too much, but...

I guess there are some things in life that can't be helped. Or rather, I'm in a stage where I no longer care, or am too tired to care. I'll just go with the flow.

love

"We are angels with single wings. The only way that we can fly is to hold onto each other."

Just saw the new entry in ShinYin's blog. And feel extremely, extremely disturbed. Well unlike ShinYin, I don't come from a family where EVERY man cheats. But I do come from one where... well, one man cheated... my Dad... three times. I supposed this is equally bad as ShinYin's case, isn't it?

Asked if I believe in love, my answer is... well I don't know. First of all, what is the definition of love?
Love is missing him?
Love is wanting to see him?
Love is a feeling of possession, wanting him all for myself?
Love is wanting him to be happy?
Love is willing to do anything for him?
Love is worrying about him whenever he drives in a sleepy condition?
Love is not wanting to be a burden for him?
Love is... a complicated feeling. I must say I haven't quite grasp the meaning of love. It's still very vague to me.

Asked if I believe that every man cheats, including my boyfriend, well I don't think he's cheating on me now but in the future, anything is possible. But as I'm saying this, I can't help believing in him. I mean, my mind would be divided into two sections - the emotional section; and the rational section. The former would tell me to believe whatever I hear; the latter would tell me to hold back my feelings, so that I don't get hurt easily. The emotional part always wins.

Asked if I would forgive my other half if he ever cheats on me... I used to think I can forgive this kind of thing, if and only if he tells me honestly before I find out myself. But now... I'm thinking... maybe not. I think I can never continue the relationship.

Maybe ShinYin is right. Maybe there is no such thing as love. Maybe it's just a term people made up, to console themselves. Maybe love only exist in Utopia. Maybe, just maybe.

Convocation

It is the day that reminded me that my life as a student had ended. The day I got to meet ALL my coursemates and reminisce the good old days together, for the last time. The day I got to visit UPM, probably for the last time as well. Yes, it is the day of my convocation ceremony. After the long hours in the hall and got our supposedly transcript and scroll and bla bla bla, by the time we got out it was already 5:30 p.m. We were busy taking pictures, entertaining our family and friends, there was barely enough time for us to look at each other's face, let alone exchange a few words. The only thing we have is our memory, and some photographs for remembrance. This blog entry is dedicated to all of you who had accompanied me throughout my ups and downs, bitter and sweet. May our friendship be forever. Cheers! ;)

Everyone is so happy. :)

I was on the phone with my juniors. They called up to find out where I was. They wanted to hand me the flowers and gifts. How sweet of them...

Yeah I was distracted. But YoYo could you NOT put your arm on my mortar?Poor Kok Chiang...

Lydia and Xiao Ming and me. :)

Manyee, my roommate for 3 years, and me. We're buddies.

Zilin and me.

Zilin and Hooi Fang and me! Wakakakakakaakaka.....

All of us. :)

Convocation gift from my big sister - a Doraemon graduate. How cute!

Though ShinYin, SukTeng, TzeYee and Audrey couldn't make it to my convo, I still got a bouquet of flowers from them. How sweet... :)

friendship vs direct-selling

Are friendships built upon the foundation of direct-selling? This thought had never, ever came across my mind before a friend said it to me. He and a few of my buddies from university are very much into this Amway direct-selling which, according to them, would help them develop their interpersonal skills, build up their confidence, widen their people network etc etc. And most importantly, it would, or could, be their stairway to financial freedom. Despite my bad experience with direct-selling, I do not think that it is a bad idea involving oneself in the Amway business because their main intention is to upgrade themselves, which is a good thing - not putting up so much hope in getting rich through direct-selling.

I've always believed that when they asked me out, it was because they enjoyed my company. There was a time when they asked me to a movie, I told them I was thankful they rescued me from a terrible day in the office.
Actually we asked you out for a reason, one of them said to me, which was when I found out there would be a Amway meeting on that weekend.
But then I managed to convince myself that even if they weren't going to ask me to attend that meeting, they would definitely still asked me out no matter what. In other words, the Amway thingy is not the only (or main) reason we were there. I believed it's true, I still do.

I received a call yesterday morning, which broke my heart entirely. He tried to convince me to join Amway as a member, asking me to support them, said he was asking as a friend. I would be more than happy to do so, emotionally and finanacially (as in the mere RM80 membership fees), had not he said that our friendship is build upon the foundation of direct-selling. To be fair, those are not his exact words, but that's how I interpret it.

He said that if not because they were all members of this Amway thingy, they wouldn't have met once every week on the Monday meetings, they wouldn't have something in common to talk about, and they wouldn't even meet each other. So I should join them this big family so that we can keep in touch. He said it as if it is a good thing, as if it is something to be proud of. I mean, how can you be so proud, when you need direct-selling to bring your friends and you together? How can you be happy, knowing that your friends and you would just ignore each other, get on with your lives and forget about your buddies if Amway does not exist? I was deeply hurt by the things he told me, but i hid my feelings over the phone, pretended that I was perfectly fine, and told him I was happy to help out.

Now that I think about it, I feel so stupid. I was so glad when they asked me out. I was so glad that they remembered me when they have get-togethers. I'd been looking forward to meeting them up consistently, even after graduation. I imagined going for movies or dinners on Friday nights, occasional clubbings on Saturday nights, and some mid-night mamak stall or McD. But now I fear that not being an active member of Amway, I'd eventually be forgotten. (I feel so ridiculous even as I'm writing this. It is the worst excuse anyone can think of to try to convince a person to join direct-selling.)

I worry and fear for the day that I do not have a single friend in my life. The thought of losing you, anyone of you, is unbearable.