A Dream

When I was in high school, I took some time wondering what is the meaning of life, what is the sole purpose of human's existence. My friends called me crazy. I was a little weird, and a little depressed I guess. Of course, this kind of philosophy stuff is not my thing, so my wonders were to no avail. Then I proceeded to making vows that I do not want to live my life like everybody else - study, go to college, graduate, work, get a husband, get married, have kids, THE END. I wanted to live my life differently. I wanted to go travel around the world, backpacking, stop whenever I want, and wherever I want. Live the real life, I thought. I said it with much pride, with much determination, though knowing very well that it is not going to happen. I do not have the courage to do so. It requires me to give up almost everything.

By the time that I finished high school, the thought somehow subsided a little. My determination gradually faded because I was studying like mad to score my STPM. That time my only thought was to enter the best university with the best bachelor degree course. (Talk about not wanting to live like everybody else... *roll eyes*)

Then I got into UPM, Bachelor Degree of Chemical Engineering. During my first and second semester I was, again, busy studying. Thoughts like "what am I doing now?" and "what do I want to do with my life?" and "is that all to life?" popped up once in a while, only vaguely. Too vague for me to pay attention to them. During my second year, I moved out from the university campus and stayed with some housemates. We had so much fun together. And in third and fourth year, I was revolving around exams, projects, assignments and most of all, having fun with Minlon people. At that time, life wasn't much of a routine, and thus not as boring. We were crazy enough to drive up to Genting at 9p.m., spent a sleepless night in the casino and smoking (only the guys, I did not smoke) at the garden, then drive back to KL at 5a.m. after a McD breakfast. Life was full of surprises and unexpected endings.

When I started working a 9-to-5-job, the thought surfaced again. I was again, begining to wonder, do I want to live the rest of my life like this? A routine? At that time I was feeling rather depressed. Not because of this, but because of some other issues I had. I was crying almost everyday. Then Mr. Chin appeared. His sudden presence pulled me out of my depression. I felt important again, I felt love again. Until today we were together for almost one year.

And all out of a sudden, today, there it was again. The "is that all to life?" thought, it just crept in, as if it were there all along. It's not that I'm unhappy about my current life. In fact, I feel it's quite complete. I have a family (though broken, but still a family), friends (good, good, loving friends), a boyfriend (who loves me as much as he loves himself, maybe even more), a job (at least I have a stable income), and a blog (though not many readers). But I still think I don't deserve to live a routine life. At least not now.

So I thought it through, and I've made a decision (with the help of a friend). If I can't make my dream come true, I will change it. If I can't spend my whole life backpacking, I will spend a fraction of it, say 2 to 6 months, apply a working holiday visa to UK, or New Zealand, or Europe, anywhere. I will either do it alone or with Mr. Chin if he's interested (I'd be much happier if he is).

The purpose of this post is to mark this day, and set a reminder to myself this dream of mine. I will work towards this from now. Wish me luck, you guys! ;)