I was looking through my older blog posts under the label Random Thoughts and I discovered, there are many many people who cared about me whenever I write something gloomy and dark on my blog. There are the usual ShinYin, ShinTien, Robinson Crusoe (I don't know what's your real name.); the occasional SukTeng, BoonLee, Audrey, Azita and; sometimes some rare people whom I have lost contact with for God knows how long.
To these people, I want to say thank you, for always be there to advise, to talk, to pay attention, and most importantly, to listen. I've always known you guys will never leave me.
I've also discovered an old post written about almost a year ago. It totally explains how I felt for the past few days. I thought I'd let go. But the truth is, I didn't. I'm not even sure I tried. I'm addicted to unhappiness, obssessed with depression, because I think it's safer that way. That way, I won't get hurt. Come to think of it, it's kind of a miracle that I've lived for 25 years and never attempt to commit suicide. I guess I lack the courage to do so.
"What kind of living condition you've been through to have this kind of thoughts? Normal people wouldn't think that way. Did you have a bad childhood memory or something?" I didn't know what to answer to that. I was pretty upset listening to this. I felt so helpless and... I didn't like it that way.
And I remember I promised myself to write more happy thoughts in the future. I guess that didn't really work out. =P
I feel that people are drifting away from me. Or rather, I'm drifting away from people. I wouldn't know. Friends, close friend, etc... I beg you for not abandoning me, and not giving up on me. That is all I ask...
9 comments:
Shinloo
If i may give an opinion - you're still very young with good career & many friends - why the gloomy thought? I'll have "die" many times if i allowed myself to dwell in negative or self-pity thoughts...LOL....Seriously i have no one at all at my side to support (Stand-alone system) but i chose not to let it "defeats" me :-D
So cheer up, my blogger friend -Count your blessings
Hey Shinloo
Ermm...Some clarification on above - I'm not laughing at your posting...only at myself (If i compared my life to yours for instance) ....Hopefully no misunderstand...
I totally agree with Modern Robinson.
Just one word from me: 自足常乐
first step to recovery is to acknowledge the problem. despite what you may think ppl still care about and most of all you still love yourself and thus far have not committed to any degrading action that brings harm to your self. It will get better, trust me :)
robinson >> ya self-pity... that's it... advice taken... thanks alot for your concern my fellow blogger... ;)
Q >> noted...
azita >> hey thanks for leaving a note... i feel much better now...
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erm... hi, Mr. Anonymous, do u need help?
I don't know why but I feel something like that too at times. It's like whenever I feel slightly happier, then I tell myself happiness won't last and all of it feels so untrue. Like I do not deserve to be happy. I did want to die, but I'm afraid. Like I don't know where would I be going. I'm afraid of going to hell, afraid of reincarnation. I hope I would just disintegrate after death. I don't talk about this very often/ at all. Because nobody would understand? They think it's only right that I be less negative. But it's easier said than done. I realized I always try and fail. I cross my fingers and hope it's mere hormones.
Mr. Anonymous, yes that's how I feel sometimes. I guess it's a way to protect myself from feeling disappointed all over again. But I feel I'm getting better nowadays, though I still tend to be negative at times when I face problems. If you like to share with me, you're welcome to send me a personal email ;)
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