Addiction

Things are definitely not going well. I've no idea what the hell I want, I've no idea what the hell I'm thinking. Am I asking too much? Am I not matured enough? Am I not meant to be loved, thus not meant to love? Or is it just that we're not meant to be?

I completely understand that I'm being very difficult. And I'm being a total bitch. And that if this persist, he will eventually get tired of me, and leave me. And I will end up alone. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to accept another again. So there you go, single forever. Well I'm not being a pessimist (although most of the time I am). I just know.

This is not what I want. Yet, I don't know why I keep doing this. It's as if... as if subconciously I want that to happen, I want him to leave me. Sometimes I know it's wrong but I can't help doing it. It's like... it's like you know alcohol, or cigarettes, or drugs are bad for health but you can't help craving it.

Addiction. That's what it is, I guess. I'm addicted to feeling unhappy.

p.s. ShinTien mentioned to me recently that my blog is lacking its soul. She commented that I haven't written anything dark these days. Well I certainly hope this is dark enough for her.